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By Whitney Swindle
It’s that time of year again. August has come and gone. For those of us who celebrate, we are officially “back to school.” For some, this season brings a return to familiarity. Familiar faces and familiar places. For others, maybe it brings the return of a familiar rhythm but in a new place with new faces. Or maybe it’s just another month crossed off the calendar.
Around our office, both August and September mark the start of a new discipleship year and a new season of Bible studies. It is also the beginning of a new series for Women in the Workplace and Moms Connect. In essence, it is our “back to school” too.
Some of us may be resuming a group with women we’ve known for years. Or maybe you’re going to give something new a try and attend something with people you’ve never met. This may sound strange, but whether you’re walking into something familiar or walking into a space where you don’t know a soul, I hope you will show up with a heart of vulnerability.
Why vulnerability? Why not confidence? Why not humility? Why not…
This year has brought a lot of change for me. A new role, a new team, a new school for my kids, and what I hope will soon be a new home as we look to move in the next year. It also feels like a new season of life as we embark on parenting through BOTH the pre-teen years and the toddler years. Pray for me. But for lots of different reasons, it has also been one of the hardest years of my and my husband’s life. And if you had asked me a year ago if I had a strong unshakeable faith in Jesus, I would have said absolutely! I would have told you that no matter the circumstances of my life, God is good and I know He has good for me. I’ve walked through seasons of hard before and have grown to understand that no matter the circumstances, God’s character- His goodness, His kindness, His love… it doesn’t change.
But… something about this season we’re in has challenged my belief in every which way. I’ve found myself questioning who God is more than I would ever care to admit. My journal is page after page of “where are you in this?” It’s filled with statements like “Your word says you are near, but it sure doesn’t feel that way.” It’s pages and pages of what feel like unanswered prayers. Pages of doubt. Pages of frustration and anger. Pages of impatience. Pages of hurt. Pages of wondering, “is walking with you really worth it, God?”
Psalm 56 has always been one of my favorite Psalms. Verse 8 says “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?”
For as long as I can remember, I have been a crier. It doesn’t take much for the waterworks to flow, so knowing that God puts my tears in a bottle has been one of the greatest encouragements to me in my faith. It’s helped me remember he knows the things that I am walking through; he knows my tears of joy and my tears of sorrow and keeps count of every last one. Recently, someone reminded me of this Psalm but specifically encouraged me to focus on the second part of verse 9, “This I know, that God is for me.”
I have been a Christian long enough to know, in my head, God is for me. But again, something about this season of my life has made it really difficult for me to believe this is true. So, how does all of this relate to vulnerability?
It would be relatively easy for me to hide where my heart truly is right now. I know enough of the right answers to participate in a Bible study. I would even say I know how to share enough where it would appear as if I’ve shared deeply. But to share vulnerably means I am letting God and others into the pages of my heart. I’m letting them hear my questions. I’m giving them an opportunity to walk alongside me in my wrestling. I’m giving them an opportunity to remind me of what is true. I am inviting them into the places of my heart that feel scary to share. It’s scary because to be vulnerable means you are exposed; it means you can be wounded. It means you’re trusting someone to handle you with care.
I recently heard someone describe trusting God as “laying face down on the ground with your back exposed. You’re trusting whoever’s in the presence of you to not harm you, to not take advantage of you. You’re fully exposed.” This is precisely how I feel right now. I feel vulnerable before the Lord. So much of the difficulty of my circumstances is out of my control, and yet I am trusting Him to use this season of waiting and wrestling to deepen my relationship with him. I am trusting that even when I don’t feel it and even when my circumstances might suggest otherwise, “God is for me.”
I want to invite you to join me in bringing all the pages of your heart first and foremost to Jesus. Bring them and lay them at the foot of the cross, for at the cross is where we find the ultimate expression of God being “for us.” Lay them down and join me in trusting Him to draw near to every part of who you are. Join me in trusting the women you encounter to handle you with care and point you to Jesus. I am forever grateful to the women in my life who are holding my hand and leading me to Jesus in my most vulnerable moments.
My prayer is for you to experience the same.
